Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
