you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
