my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
