Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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