im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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