i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
organizing the empties. That sober.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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