I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
