Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
