I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
