I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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