It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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