I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
