cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
