Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
