yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
