I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
