If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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