I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
