You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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