Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
