I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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