I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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