We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
