Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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