i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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