it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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