I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
