I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
