Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
