i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
