please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
