Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
