FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
