; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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