I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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