i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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