When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
