Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
