remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
