I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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