this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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