I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
