I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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