my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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