I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
