Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
