She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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