I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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