I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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