So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
