you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
