i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I cannot find my penis.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dating After Heartbreak
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!