there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?