I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
