Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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