last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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