i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
