I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
