I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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