my phone needs a breathalizer
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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