I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
