White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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