Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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