I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
