Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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