If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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